Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
