Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It all started with a game of naked twister.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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