My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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