So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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