He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
