Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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