I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
