Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
