WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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