Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Holy sore nipples Batman
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
