Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
