Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
