he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
