I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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