Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
