im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
