Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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