I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
