go do what you do best...puke behind churches
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
