i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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