Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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