I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
there is puke in my bra ... again
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