I faked an abortion last night.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
