Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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