EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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