the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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