im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Even my vagina gasped.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
