Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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