I haven't been this sober since birth.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
