It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
splinters make it hard to masturbate
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
