When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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