and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
