I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
