I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
