Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
