Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We need a shit load of segways right now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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