hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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