I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
