john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
