i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
