Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
