he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
