my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Verdict: uncircumcised.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
