atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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