your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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