Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
