i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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