You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
