Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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