Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
