you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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