I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
