you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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